Finding--Alaska
by a-book-lover
Summary: Pudge follows Alaska out of the room and she finds herself opening to him. He discovers Alaska was nothing like he thought she was.
1. Chapter 1

The room was messy and the beds were filled with clothes and was very little light coming in. Posters on the wall, startled doors and white floors. The curtains were open giving a sight to the white tulips in the window.

We were settled in a circle. Vodka and cigarrettes in the middle. The colonel had a big-red t shirt and looked too drunk for the little that he had taken. Takumi was quiet. His asian eyes following my and alaska's movements carefully.

And then there we were', lying in my part of the circle making out. The floor was cold but our bodies heated the movement. I had her. Alaska Young. Alaska. My Alaska. She was with me, i had her in my arms. I belonged to her and she belonged to me. Her lips on mine, her toungue wandering around and her hands on my hair. I had my hands on her waist and was trying to follow her rythm. I wasnt much of a good kisser at that time,but in thet moment i was feeling like a winner. Her body moved together with mine and our hands wandered arounf the other's body carefully but firecely. I could feel Takumi's and the Colonel's eyes staring, buti couldnt care less. I was with Alaska, the person i cared for, the person i admired, the person i loved. So there we were, making out when she moved away a little with a smile "my hair..." She said as she sat down and moved her hair back. Then, she looked at something behind me, probably the window, and then leaned to me again, this time, the smile was gone. She got near and i was ready to continue when i saw the tears that were invading her eyes.

"whats wrong?" I asked, sitting down a little so that my face was almost touching hers.

" to be continued?" She said, stuttering slightly.

And then she stood up, leavimg me lying in the floor, so confused and so worried at the same time.

"Wht's wrong?" I asked, as i saw the tears in her face multiplying and her legs trembling as she moved around the room.

"I have to go", she said, without answering my question. "quickly". She stabered to the door. She was obviously nervous. Alaska young, her legs trembling and heart pounding quickly. I looked at her worried, without knowing what to do, there were tears in her eyes. She looked so different, so not-confident, so weak. I had never seen her like that, so nervous, so broken, so not-her. On that cold night, in the school's campus, I saw Alaska Young fall apart.

One minute before we had been making out, she was smiling and relaxed. But she had stopped it with tears in her beautiful eyes. I just laid there as she stood up and started looking for her car keys. She was obviously drunk, but still wanted to drive somewhere. Her movements were short and clumsy. As seconds went by she moved quicker and shorter. She was throwing things around and movimg everything in the room while the three of us stared confused. She went near the colonel's desk and moved some papers thet were on top. Underneath them layed ther car keys. She took them desperately and turned around franatically.

"I have to go", she repeated as she moved to the door with the keys on her hand. "I have to go". I could see her worse and worse, more tears in her eyes as she walked with long steps and short breaths. The colonel looked at me and then pointed slightly at the door with his head. I stared athim confused and he repeated the movement. I suddenly realised what I had to do. I stood up and got near Alaska, my heart pounding as quickly as possible.

"I'll go with you. It's not safe for you to drive like this", I said trying to sound calmed. I tried to takeher hand, but she moved away getting near the door.

"No", she just said "I'm going on my own". And then she wiped the tears in her cheeks and moved her hand to find the door knob.

I held her from the other arm and dragged her near me again. Then i grabbed both her hands and looked into her big eyes."You cant go in this state. It's dangerous, something could happen to you", I tried to explain "I'll go with you".

Then she turned around and looked at me seriously "No you're not. I'm going on my own and you're staying here. You dont have to protect me from anything, you're not my boyfriend!"

She moved away from me And then she turned and went through the old door. I wanted to follow her, I really did, but I didn't know if it was the right thing to do.

"What are you waiting for?", Asked the colonel as he stood up and opened the door for me. I looked at him in surprise. Then I grabbed my keys and went through the door.


	2. Chapter 2

I Went out of the room and started running through the hallway. It seemed longer than what it was. It seemed infinite. I wasnt feeling good myself, i had drunk to much vodka and had a sensation that i was going to puke. But i had to stay concentrated. It didnt matter what i felt, the only thing that really mattered was Alaska. I was already some steps away from the door when i heard a voice. a well known voice, a terrifying voice, the voice of punishment. The Eagle. He was near, probably in one of the rooms near the entrance. I couldnt let the Eagle see me. But he'd obviously would if i continued running and went out. Maybe following Alaska wasnt the best idea, she didnt wanted to be followed, after all; i thought. And then some ideas came into my mind, ideas of what could happen to Alaska if i left her alone. She'd spend the night alone, drowning in her own tears, dying inside with every breath. And there i was, standing like an idiot just steps away from the entrance doubting about going to her or not.

I sighed, angry at myself and continued running.

Once outside the building I started running. I was drunk, too, so i found running pretty hard. But it didnt matter. Nothing mattered in that moment except for Alaska. I had to get to her car before she left; that was the only thing going through my mind. Getting there. Probably, she'd already be in the road. And I'd be too late. I ran through the parking lot. Everything was kind of blurry, but i kept running. I had to find Alaska, I had to find out what was happening, I had to let her know she'd be okay.

The parking lot was dark and silent. nothing that could call the Eagles attention but a drunk student running to he the person he loved. i looked around again and realised how hard it would be to find her; and then, a horrifying idea, she would have probably left already, there were no sound or lights, she was gone, gone, and i had left her. Tears appeared in my eyes with the idea of Alaska sobbimg while driving, puttimg her life and my soul in risk. I sat down in the floor and placed my head between my legs when i heard a noice.

Suddenly, not very far away from me, a pair of lights went on. It was Alaska's car. I ran to it praying for her not to leave before I got there.

I ran while thinking what to say to her. I didn't know. Suddenly, I was next to the car. The blue chevrolet, the car, the place where i had to let her know she wasnt alone.

I opened the door slowly and looked inside, then i opened it completly and leaned forward a little.. The motor was off, and the only sound I could hear were Alaska's sobs. She was breathing heavily and had her head between her hands, crying loudly. I didn't know what to do, so I just got near and hugged her. I hugged her trying to show her i was there, i hugged her showing her i would have done anything to see her okay.

I could feel her body relax as I placed my arms around her and held her tightly. I couldn't see her face, but I could feel her sadness. I held her tighter as I got near her ear and whispered "Tell me whats wrong, you'll be okay", and she turned around.

...

Her eyes were red of crying and her lips trembled. She stared at me for a long time and I simply didn't know what to say. Seeing her like that, so broken, so sad, killed me inside. It killed me to see she was not okay and I couldnt do something to make her feel better. In that momenti realised something about her that i would have never imagined about Alaska Young. She was weak, she had fallen apart, and she had been alone because we all thought she was too strong to be broken.

"What's going on?", I asked. I was holding her hand and she was looking at me with surprise. I just wanted her to talk to me. To help me understand. To help me get to know her.

"I'm a horrible person," she simply said as she broke off into tears again. Her whole body trembled and she stuttered with every word.

"No you're not. Just tell me what's wrong. We'll work it out, together". I answered and held her hand tighter. Her fingers trembling around mine were breaking my heart.

She stayed quiet.

"Is this about your Jake?", I asked trying to guess. She shook her head slightly. How could i help her if i didnt even know what was wrong?

"Is this about what we were doing?" I asked again. She shook her head.

By that point i was worried and trembling too. Only one more posibility appeared in my mind.

"Is this about me? About something i had done?" I asked, praying for her to say no. She shook her head with a little smile on her face. A smile, the most beautiful smile.

"Come on, tell me..." I said. She had her head down and was looking at our hands wrapped together. Sadness in her eyes and fear in her body. She raised her head and looked at me in the eyes.

"Its about my mother" she said and fell on top of me with a loud sob.


	3. Chapter 3

It took me some minutes to convince her to talk to me. She said shedidntwant to talk, she said it was a delicate subject, she said i wouldnt understand. But i had go. I had to understand. But after some minutes of just sitting there talking to her, she looked at me and said "okay, i trust you", and tried to explain me. She was to broken to talk, she cutted the words and repeated things over and over, but she talked to me. She opened up. And i could see her beauty, i could see the real her. The real Alaska Young.

"Yesterday it was my mother's death an-aniversary" she explain between sobs. " i always take her flowers, and when- when we were ma-making out' i, i looked through the window and saw flowers, and, and i remembered and and and..." And then she turned into long heavy sobs and breaths again. I held her tighter, and massaged her hands as i looked directly into her beautiful, big eyes.

"Hey, hey, its okay. We'll go now. We'll go to take her flowers. Ill go with you" i said stupidly, trying to confort her in the way i could.

"No," she said, "im a horrible person.." She added, evidently meaning it.

"No, youre not" i said

"yes i am. Look at me, i cant do anything right. I just fuck things up. You know me, you know im a disgrace, a fuck up." I could barely understand her between her sobs.

"let me tell you something:youre wrong. I didnt know you. Im not quite sure if i completly know you yer. Until all this happened i didnt know anything about you, i didnt know Alaska Young." She looked at me with surprise' " i knew what you wanted to be, this confident, beautiful person. But youre not" i said, she looked down again with sadness "youre better," i said, and i saw her eyes lit up "youre a beautiful, sensitive person. You care about others more than you care about yourself, you cry for your mother, you go and take her flowers to feel good about yourself, you care so much you dont want to hurt people with your pain. Youre the best person ive ever met. Youre wonderful." i said without controling the words coming out of my mouth. I had to let her know how awesome she was. I had to let her know why i loved her, why i would have done anything in the world to see her smile.

She looked at me with new tears in her eyes " thats not true," she said looking down " i have no responsabilities, not a lot of things to worry about, theres no people who genuily care about me. The only thing i HAVE to do is take flowers to my mother twice a year, take flowers to the only person who does care about me and who i really am; and now i cant even do that." She explained, starting to cry again. " how's that being good in any way?" She asked without waiting for an answer,

But i gave her one "look," i said, "I care about you, I care about who you really are, i care about everything that involves you. I care." She just looked at me so i continued. "And i care because you care. I care because, as you said, you have to take flowers to your mother," i said and she looked at me, probably confused.

"What does that-" she started to say and i interrupted

"Because you have to take flowers to her and thats so important to you. Because you care. Because you dont take a lot of things seriously, but the ones you do are the most important things in the world. And that shows how much you can love. And i care, and if you let me, id like to be part of your life and get to know the real you better." I said. Those had been the most honest words that had come out of my mouth, and i felt so good when i saw she smiled.

Her eyes lit up and she got near me before whispering "thank you" and kissing me.

A soft kiss, a loving kiss,everything we needed


	4. Chapter 4

The next day was a saturday, so i had the whole day to spend with Alaska. I woke up at eight and got dressed as quickly as possible. With this, i woke up the Colonel

"hey, hey, wake up" i said as i moved his shoulder

"what do you want?" He said annoyingly, while turning around so that he was facing the door

"i want you to wake up!" I answered, taking his pillow and throwing it to the other side of the room.

"what for? Today's saturday..." Then he moved to the night table and took a look atthe little clock on top of it, then, he layed down again and looked at me "and i still,have around... Eight hours to sleep"

"oh, come on! I need to talk to you..."

"okay..just get me get mentally prepared for a two-hour talk about your love for Alaska" he said and looked at me smiling slightly. Then he stayed quiet looking at the cealing and after some seconds he smiled and looked back at me. "okay... Come, talk" he finally said and pointed at the corner of his bed with his head.

i walked to the bed and sat down looking at him. I was pretty nervous and im almost sure i blushed. So i sat there and just looked at him as an idiot for a long time. What was i supposed to say? I wasnt supposed to say anything, i had even been the one who asked him to talk, and there i as, just staring at him without saying a word.

"so...?" He said after some long seconds of just looking at each other.

"i want to talk you about Alaska..." i simply said.

"yup" he answered " i know that. But WHAT do you want to say me about her?"

"well, umm, i, i wanted to tell you i, i got to kn, know her a lot better last n, night" i said, probably sounding like an idiot.

"yeah, you did learn a lot about her and...?" The Colonel said impatiently.

"That, that she's not, not like we all think she is..." I tried to explain

"So how is she like?" He asked, probably already annoyed

"she's so, so weak" i saidmstupidly

"weak? WEAK?! Out of all the fucking adjectives you can use to describe Alaska you chose WEAK?!" He said as he broke into a loud, annoying laughter " let me tell you something, my friend, if theres something Alaska Young isn't is weak" he added between laughter.

"You, you dont understand" i said "yesterday, i, i found out why she was so broken...and we talked, and she, she's so different"

"okay... I get it, but WEAK?! Really?"

"Yes, yes, its just, its that she's so... Umm, if you could only understand..." I said, doubting with every word.

"well, imobviously dont and apparently wont with this idiotic conversation" he just said

"well, its just-" i started saying when he interrupted me

"are you going to tell me why was she so upset or not?" He asked

"well..." I said doubtingly wondering why was i having that conversation if i wasnt going to actually TELL him anything anyway.

"in that case, ill go back to sleep, and if you decide to have a humanly like conversation, wake me up and we can talk... What about that?" He said, laying down again and slowly closing his eyes.

"okay" i said and stood up

...

i stood up and went to my bed. There,mi sat down in one of the corners and placed my head between my hands. What was e best thing to do? Should the Colonel know about Alaska or not? Was he going to help in anyway? Would she get mad at me if i told him? Why couldnt i decide what to do about all this? So many questions in my head and no answers around me. I didnt know if i should talk to the Colonel, if i should talk to Alaska, i basically didnt know what to do with myself. And then, something came to my mind. alaska needed help, and as much help as possible, and i had tomgave her that, and the first step was telling the Colonel so that he could understand and help me.

so i stood up and went back to the Colonel's bed. I got near and moved his shoulder as i had done just minutes before. He sat down slowly and shook his head slightly.

"now what?" He asked, visibly annoyed

"Alaska was so upset yesterday because it had been her mother's death anniversary and she hadn't taken her flowers. She felt a deception and thought she couldnt do anything right. She was very upset, so we talked for some time and then we kissed, and then, we, i-" i was saying when he interrupted

"i dont need or want to know the detailed description of what you did after kissing, really, ill survive. Promise" he said

i hitted him with a pillow and laughed "no, asshole, i wasnt going to give you a detailed description of anything..."

"Ah, okay. Just wanted to state things." He said "what were you going to tell me, anyway?" He asked

"umm, nothing, its okay.." I said, embarassed

"come on! Tell me Pudgy..." He said mockingly

"that, i, umm, i..." I didnt know how to put it " that i, umm, i fell in love" i said finally.

he looked at me with surprise, eyes wide open. "You fell in love with a sobbing, annoying Alaska?" He asked

"i fell in love withthe real Alaska" i corrected

there wasa long silence before he talked again

"then what are you doing here?" He said

"what?"

"you gotta go find this 'real' Alaska and tell her that you love her" he said and stood up to open the door for me.

i looked at him and went through the door.


	5. Chapter 5

I went out of the room and started walking through the long hallway. For the first time in my life i wasnt nervous of going to Alaska's. The images of the night before went through my head, the talk, the sobs, the kiss. Before i could continue remembering, i was in Alaska's door. It was white and plain, as it had always been, but that day, it seemed brighter, everything did, everything seemed different, everything i saw looked new, strange, better. I sighed and knocked the door loudly. I waited, but nothing happened. I knocked again...nothing. I knocked for third time, this time, louder that before, and some seconds later i could hear Alaska's voice from the other side of the door.

"GOING!" She shouted. Instants later, she opened the door and i could see her. She was wearing some pijama red shorts and a big t-shirt from Coldplay. She looked so beautiful, so radient, so new. I sighed and thought about how good that day would be, with Alaska, the new Alaska, the real Alaska. She just stood there looking at me as i stared stupidly, and after some seconds she talked again

"what's up, Pudgy-Pudge?" She asked letting me in

"umm... Not much..um, do you still want to go?¡ i asked praying for her to say yes

"go where?" She asked while taking out a cigarrette and offering me one. I shook my head slightly.

"to, umm, your mother's grave... We said yesterday that we were going today..." I explained, kind of embarassed.

"ummm, no, were not going" she just said throwing hersalf to the untidy bed

"were not?" I asked comfused, she had been so sure the night before "why not?" I asked before i could think a out what i was saying

"because its the same to go or not to go" she said non-sencely

"but i thought it was important to you.. Yesterday, you, the real you, told me how important it was to go and takeher flowers. How it made you feel good." I continued, praying inside for her to realise she could be herself with me.

she looked at me seriously. "Look" she said "theres no real me or no real me. Theres only me. And i dont want to go take my mother flowers because shes dead, and she wont be able to see thEm. So whats the point? Thats what i want, and if you dont like it, you can leave now" she said opening the door for me.

i looked at her with surprise and then went out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

****I went out of the room and into the hallway with tears in my eyes. I had lost her. I had lost her, i had lost her again. I had seen the sadness in her eyes, the weakness in her mind, and i senced the feeling of not being able to trust. How could i get her to feel that i was there for her? How could i make her feel that it was okay to be herself, that it was okay to be broken sometimes? I had to find a way. I had to show her that she could trust me. So, without knowing what to do, i went back to my room, and therethough, back to the Colonel.****

****I opened the door and found there was no-one in the room. I looked around and thought of where the Colonel could be, and then, i heard the shower. I opened the bathroom door and saw the Colonel's shadow in the other side of the shower curtain.****

****"HEY!" I shouted, and saw him move awkwardly in the other side. Seconds later, he moved a little part of the curtain and moved his head out of it****

****"What the fuck do you want now?" He shouted at me "cant you let me breathe for fifteen minutes?" ****

****"Im sorry," i said, "i, i need to talk to you..." I tried to explain, surely blushing****

****"AGAIN?" He asked annoyed " you have to talk to me about your love for Alaska AGAIN?!"****

****"Kind of?" ****

****"Youre impossible!"****

****"And that means...?" I asked****

****"That if you get out of the freaking bathroom, ill consider going out of the shower to listen to your really annoying speech about this 'real' Alaska of yours"****

****"Fair enough" i said and went out of the bathroom closing the door behind me.****

****...****

****It took him some minutes to get out of the shower, but who could blame him? I wasnt much of an interesting person and my talks about Alaska might have been really annoying. He came out, with some boxers and an old t-shirt looking annoyed. His hair was wet and he was looking at me impatiently.****

****"So...?" He asked as he came out and sat down in the corner of my bed facing me. "What did you want to talk about?" He asked "and please make it quick because i really, REALLY need to take a shower..."****

****"I lost her," i simply said "and i have to get her back," ****

****"What do you mean you LOST her?" He asked, visibly confused****

****"Do you remember earlier when i told you that i got to know her, the REAL her?" He nodded "well, i went to her room and that girl was gone. She was the same Alaska you know, the one i know its not real. I get it now." I said****

****"You get WHAT?!" He asked. "You know youre horrible at explaining things, dont you?" He added "you get WHAT, you ASSHOLE?!"****

****" i get it. I get how she's unsecure inside but is scared of let it show. We have to do something" i said. The Colonel stayed quiet, looking at me probably thinking about what i had just said.****

****"But how can you know that? How can you know shes unsecure, and scared, and i-dont-know-what-more" He asked****

****"I just do. You should have seen her yesterday, she was so broken, so sad, but so honest at the same time. She even THANKED me for listening to her. She told me how important it was to her to take her mother flowers twice a year."****

****"And what EXACTLY happened today?" He asked****

****"Well, i went to her room because we had said we'd go today to her mother's grave together.."****

****"Yeah... And?"****

****"And she told me she didnt want to go because her mother was dead and wasnt going to see the flowers anyway.."****

****He stayed silent and talked only after some seconds.****

****"Well, supposing it IS as you say it is, we do have to do something, i guess," he said, "but WHAT?"****

****I looked at him. I didnt know WHAT. That was why i had gone there to ask HIM.****

****"We have to show her somehow that she can trust us, that well be okay with who she really is" i said, thinking outloud****

****He stayed quiet, staring at the wall, drops falling from his hair, weting my bed.****

****"I have an idea" he said after some minutes of pure silence and thinking****

****"Whats that?"****

****"First of all, ill tell you you're completly wrong"****

****"WHAT?" I asked, without knowing what he was talking about****

****"That youre wrong..."****

****"Im wrong with what?" I asked again, annoyed****

****"WE dont have to do anything. You just said we had to show her she can trust us. But we dont. WE dont have to show her anything. YOU do."****

****"But i think it would be better if we all went to talk to her..." I explained****

****"Do you know her at all?" He answered "she wont want a group of people going to tell her what she can do to feel better. She'd feel attacked. Maybe even angry because she doesnt want all of us to know all of this. But with you its different, i dont know why, but she opened up to YOU, she trusted you. You have to be her safe place, the person which allows her to be herself." He explained. I looked at him with attonishment. Then i stayed quiet, thinking about what he had just said. Was he right? Did i have to take care of her and make her feel safe? I didnt really know, but i did know i had to do something. And maybe he was right, maybe she needed me.****

****I stood up from my bed and turned around to talk to the Colonel, who was about to get into the shower again.****

****"Ill go talk to her again" i said****

****"Good." He answered " but this time, please, PLEASE do it right, cause theres no way im having another psicology sesion with you about Alaska." He added****

****"Of course" i answered and kind of winked to him like a complete idiot.****


	7. Chapter 7

I went out of the room and started walking the hallway i had walked just some minutes ago. Again, everything felt so familiar but at the same time, so different. I came out of the guy's building and walked the small yard to the girls one  
I felt like if i didnt had to be seen, even though i wasnt doing something wrong./div  
"I got to Alaska's hallway and my heart was pounding quickly. I walked to her door and then stood up in front of it. 'What should i say to her? What should i do?, do i tell her the Colonel knows?' I was wondering all these things when, without thinking about it, i knocked the door. No-one opened. I knocked again, louder, thinking that maybe she didnt want to talk to me.  
Alaska, its me, please let me in, i need to talk to you" no one answered.  
Alaska, please!" No sounds or signals from the other side of the door. I turned around, and decided to go to my room and get the key we had for Alaska's room. I had to talk to her, even if she didnt want me to.

i went into mymroom with my heart beating fast. I opened the door and saw the colonel sitting down in his bed reading a magazine. He looked up,at me and then sighed.

"YOU AGAIN!?" He said "how did you fucked it up this time?"

"i dint fucked it up..."

"Then why the fuck are you here and not with Alaska?" He asked

"she dindnt open the door so i didnt get the chance to talk to her" i explained

"Yeah, get it, its in that red box over there" he said, refering to the box where we putted keys, money and other important things.I got near the box and opened it. Two boxes of cigarrettes, 5 keys and two wallets inside. I took the five keys and read the labels in them/div  
Takumis

eagles office

car

alaska

colonel house

Itook the one that said Alaska and went near the Colonel.

"wish me luck" i said nervously

"Break a leg" he answered and looked down at the book again. I turned around and went out of the room.  
All over again, i went out of the room and walked the long hallway, went out of the old building and into the other old building next to it, i went inside, looked around and walked another long hallway until i got to the last door. I stood up in front of it./div  
"Alaska, its me again, im going in" i said before inserting the key in the door knob. I turned the key and opened the door.

There was no-one inside. The room was empty and looked the same as always./div  
looked around. The walls full of posters and pictures, the untidy bed and the very, VERY tidy library full of books.I went into the bathroom and there was no one there either. I was starting to get worried, where could she be? I went to the desk and saw on top of it a little drawing of tulips. I've always loved how Alaska drew while doing other things. I continued walking looking around for something that might tell me where she was. Under the door, in the closet, and then in the desk again. The flowered drawing. The flowers. Flowers. FLOWERS. /div


	8. Chapter 8

I went out of the room and ran to my own to get my car keys. I had to get to the cemetery. I had to go and support her, i had to go and show her she was okay

I went out of the room and ran to my own to get my car keys. I had to get to the cemetery. I had to go and support her, i had to go and show her she was okay

i went to my room and opened the door. There, the Colonel, still reading. He turned his head and looked at me as he raised his eyebrows.

"what now?" He asked, leavimg the book aside

"cant talk right now, she wasnt there, i have to go" i said quickly while i got my keys and sweater.

"But how do you even know where she is?" He asked, which was logical

"i just know" i said, and left the room withthe keys and the blue sweater in my hand.

i went out of the building thinking of a way to get out of the campus without the eagle noticing. But it didnt matter. Nothing mattered exept for helping Alaska. I got to the payking lot and walked slowly to my car, which was parked near the exit, luckily for me. I got to it and opened the door before getting in and throwing the sweater to the back part. Then i inserted the key and started moving the car slowly and silently not to be seen.

once outside the campus, i tried to remember in what cemetery Alaska's mother was burried. I didnt know, but there were only two big cemeterys near by, so i first drove to the nearest, saint Catherine's. Once i got there, i came out of the car and ran to the entrance where a security guard as standing.

"hello, good morning" i said cordially " did a young, brunette girl come here some minutes ago?"

the guard looked at me seriously. " do you have any family or friend buried here?"

"no," i said, "im just looking for my friend, did she come here?"

"No, no young girl came this morning, and now, i have to ask you to go if youre not here to visit someone" he said and pointed m car slightly with the head.

"Yes, thank you" i said and started walking to the car. Once i was almost at the door, i turned around and got near the guard again "sorry to bother you, but do you know where i can buy flowers?" I asked

"there's a shop right in the corner of the block" the man answered and i ran to the car before thanking him.

i got into the car and out of the cemetery parking lot

I got to the corner of the street and parked the car quickly before getting out and running to a shop with a sign that said "Mary's flowers". I entered the shop and looked around. There were several flower aragements withvdifferent colours and sizes. Which one could i buy? I continued looking and suddenly, i saw a group of white tulips. They were big and formed a big circle. It was the one i needed. I went to the register with the flowers in my hand.

"Hello" i said to the woman in the other side of the register.

"Hi, nice aragement the one you chose, a young girl came about half and hour ago and took the same one with pink tulips. She said she wanted the white one, but i just finished that one, so it wasnt ready when she came..." She explained, and i realized inmediatly she was talking about Alaska. She continued talking, but i wasnt listening until she said "why am i talking so much, im sorry... Its 12 dollars" she said, kind of embarassed

"No, its okay." I answered and took twelve dollars out before placing em in the counter "here you go, thank you" i said and took the flowers.

"Thank you, see you soon" said the woman as i went out of the store.

I got into the car and started driving as fast as possible. The next cemetery, Saint Mary's was around tenkilometres away and i had to get there as fast as possible. I was nervous, i didnt actually know what to do when i got there, i just knew i had to find Alaska and i had to make her feel okay. A lot of things went through my mind, but none of them told me what did i have to expect. I didnt know what i was going to see, what was she gonna be like, how would she act. I was nervous, confused, worried.

I got to the cemetery around five minutes later with my heart jumping out of my chest. There was a security guard in the entrance, so i got near and asked him cordially

"hello, do you know if a young lady came here just minutes ago"

"yes, she did" he answered seriously and looked at me in a way that only made me palm sweat.

"Do you know if she's still here?" I asked, praying for him to say yes

"Yes, she is. Why are you so interested in her?" He asked in a father-ly way

"Alaska? Becuase, she needs me," i said stupidly "well, ummm, can i come in?"

"yes. But make sure you dont hurt Alaska, shes such a good young lady, and she does needs someone" he said and i looked at him with attonishment "do you know where the grave is?" He asked

"no" i answered

"Okay, go straight and turn left as soon as you can near a big grave with the name 'Fernandez'. You'll find her there"

"thank you" i said as i entered the cemetery and started following his imstructions.

I hadnt done three steps when i saw Alaska some graves away. She wason her knees and her head was resting against her mother's grave. There was silence, except for her loud sobs.


	9. Chapter 9

I got near slowly while listening to her sobs. I could feel her sadness. I walked without knowing what i was going to say to her. I was scared. I was scared of the situation, scared of not knowing how she would react, scared of losing her again.

i was only some steps away when she turned around. When she did, my eyes filled with tears. Her eyes were red of crying and her makeup was all over her face. Her clothes were full of dirt, probably for lying in the floor, and she was only wearing shorts and a t-shirt on that terribly cold night. I got near while she stood up and walked to me with her lips trembling./div  
""what are you, you doing h, h, here" she said, tears streaming through her cheeks.

" I came to be with you. I came because i know you need me" i answered

"well, youre wrong, bevause i dont need you here"/

"you dont look like it" i said as i took my sweater and placed it in her shoulders. I thought she was going to takeit away, but instead, she held it tighter. "I brought her flowers," i said, refering to her mother./div

"why?" She asked on a whisper

"because she was surely an awesome person. Because she did what i cant: make you happy. And im never going to be able to thank her enough for making you smile and making you happy" i said, meaning it. Then i handed Alaska e flowers and she took them carefully without looking at them, but at me./div  
she stayed silent for some seconds, just staring at me.

"why are you doing all this?" She asked 

"because i care about you" i simply said

she stayed quiet, so i continued

"I know i dont know you. But i want to. I want to get to know you. I want to be able to understand you. I want to be someone you can trust"/div

""You really wouldnt like to know me... Im different than you think, you dont understand" she said between sobs, more tears coming from her eyes as she talked." i said "we had this converation yesterday, but we'll have it again and again until you understand i want to understand you. Whats the worst thing that could happen if you let me in? If you open up to me and show me the real Alaska?" I asked

"The worst thing?" She asked, while getting a little closer, my sweater still in her shoulders

"Yes, what would be the ultimate, worst thing that could happen if you opened up?"

"Losing you" she said quietly

"Losing me?" I asked "that cant be possible, becuase right now you dont have me. I just live around a person that you made up. Im not with alaska, im with this person you pretend to be. So you dont have me, we'll just be able to actually know each other when you open up" i said"She stayed quiet and simply nodded

"promise me you wont leave me" she said, tears i. Her eyes.

"I wont. Id do anything to be next to you" i said and hugged her.


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up the next day feeling it would be a good one. I somehow felt id get to know Alaska. I woke up at eight, as i wanted to be up before she was. I was in a great mood, i felt good, i felt powerful. I felt like i had never felt before, and i just hoped Alaska felt the same way.

i got out of bed, and withoutturning the light on -as i didnt want to wake up the Colonel- i got dressed. Then, i went to thered box and took the key that said Alaska on the label and started to walk towards the dor when i tripped with something that was on the floor.

"if you dont go away from this fucking room, im gonna kill ya" said the Colonel

"hey! I tripped" i said

"five, four, three-" he started to count

"Bye" i said, as i stood up and went out of the room knowing it wouldnt be good if he finished counting.

i walked the long hallway, went out of our building, and soon, i found myself in alaska's door. There, i took of the key and opened it slowly not to wake her up. I stepped inside and smelled something different. It smelled like flowers, it smelled bright, it smelled good. All the lights were out, so i couldnt see anything.i started walking to the right wherei knew the switch was while praying not to fall. As soon as i got there, i turned on the lights and then started wañking towards the bed where i couldsee my beautiful Alaska sleepimg comfortably.

"hi, good morning" i said as i moved her shoulder a little to wake her up

sheopened her eyes slowly and then looked up before sitting downagainstthe white wall next toher bed

"hello," she said with a littlesmile on her face. She was wearingshorta and a colourful t-shirt. Her face looked radiant and there was a beautiful smile in her face that made her look even better "how did you get in?"she asked.

"key" i answered as i held up the key labeled 'Alaska'

She smiled at me androokmy hand as she played with my fingers "what do you want to do"

"well, i have an idea"

"yeah? Whats that?"

"we're playing a game..."

"a game?" She asked "what game"

"do you remember the truth or dare we played the other day? Well, thisome's called truthor truth" i said as i smiled and held her hand tighter


	11. Chapter 11

She looked at me with surprise and i smiled. Seeing her like that, happy, relaxed, was the best thing that could have happened to me on that cold morning. I could see her, she was different, she was real. Everything was different, better, even the room had something different.

"so.." I said "are you coming?" I asked/div

"of course" she said. She looked like a different person, she was no longer trying to call my attention, or trying to be interesting, she was just her. This unsecure, sweet girl who was finally trusting me. And i couldnt have been happier./div

"okay. Ill go outside and ill wait for you while you get dressed" i said as i turned around and started walking to the door./div

She stood up and took me by the arm with a little, shy smile. I could see honesty in her eyes. "You dont have to do that" she said "ill go change in the bathroom" and then, holding my arm, she took me to the bed and made me sit down as she went near the closet./div

just in that moment i realised what was different about the room. It was tidy and wel organised. There were no longer clothes lying around and everything smelled like new. /div  
"Do you like how i organized the room?" Se asked, evidently proud of herself./div

"Yeah, its great. When did you do this?" I asked/div

"Yesterday, after talking to you. I came back and realised how i wasnt taking care of my stuff, so ti decided it wasnt to late to start. Ive always been a tidy person. I like things to be organized" she explained and i just staredat her surprised. What a radical change over the night. She was being herself, and she couldnt have been more beautiful./div

I just stayed quiet looking at her, so she talked again, probably realising i was to hipnotized with her to talk. "Okay, ill go change, yqou stay here" she said and took some clothes of the closet before going into the bathroom./div  
I sat on one corner of the bed silently, then, i stood up and sat on the chair on front of the desk when i saw the best thing i could have seen. I saw something that showed me she was changing, that showed me she was herself. I saw cigarrettes in the trash bin. A big group, two or three packages, of cigarrettes which were broken and had been thrown into the trash bin. I just stayed there looking at the bin with a smile in my face. She had renounced to hurting herself. She had renounced to dying. And i couldnt have been happier./div  
She went out of the bathroom and stood up some steps away from me. I was just smiling like an asshole at the broken cigarrettes. /div  
"Hey, are you okay?" She asked as she stepped near me/div  
I wanted to tell her i was okay. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her i was wonderful. But i was too happy even to talk, i couldnt make the words come out of my mouth. I nodded and she smiled./div

"So... Are we leaving now? I dont think we'll play your 'truth or truth' game in here..." She didnt refered to my game as silly, or childish or anything she would have said two days before./div

"No, of course not. Come on" i said as i stepped to the door and offered her my arm, which she took with a smile in her face./div 


	12. Chapter 12

we went out of her room and into the hallway. There were a few people passing by which looked at us and made different expressions, but i didnt care. We didnt care. We had each other, and that was enough. We came out of the building and into the yard. i've always said the yars was one of the most beautiful things the school had. Given the numerous years the school had, there were big, ancient trees which gave shadow to the big yard. there were a couple of benches surrounding a little fountain with bushes behind. All of the benches were the same, placed around the little water source except for one. we calles that one the "ugly bench" as it was broken and far away from the others, surrounded by big, fluffy bushes. To that bench we were going.

"dONT YOU THINK THE YARD IS NOT THE BEST PLACE TO OPEN UP...'" SHE said, obviously reffering to all the people sitting near the fountain and in the benches.

"We're going to the ugly bench" i said "it wont be crowded there.." i explained. She looked at me confused.

"The ugly bench?" she asked "dont you think there are better, more beautiful places in this campus than the ugly bench..."

"yeah, maybe. But theres a reason, a very important reason for which i want us to go to the ugly bench and not to any other better, or more beautiful place"

She raised her eyebrows "if you say so.." she said as we got near the ugly bench.

She let go my arm and went to a side of the bench, where there was a green backpack. "Look," SHE SAID "somebody forgot his backpack here...thats weird. i didnt know people came here at all..." she said. She was do different, so genuine, so beautiful, that i was hypnotized, and it took me some seconds to answer.

"Its mine" i explained " i left it here before going to your room. It contains omething very important" i added and looked at her

"okay, mr mystery, are we going to play a game or not?" she asked as she sat down on the bench with a little smile on her face.

"Yeah" i said as i sat down next to her and took the backpackl. she was looking at me, i could feel her eyes on me as i opened the backpack and took out a brown little shoe box.

"Whats that for?" she asked

"you'll see" i answered as i left the backpack in the floor again, with the box in my hands.

"Inside this box," i explaines "there's fifty little pieces of paper. Each of them has a question written in it. The game ispretty easy. We'll take out a paper each and read the questions out loud. Then we'll have to answer them honestly..." i said, praying for her not to make fun of my silly game.

"okay" she just said and i sighed with relief "but i want to add a rule"

"whats that?" i asked

"we cant make any comments on what the other says and everything we say stays between us" she said

"Fair enough" i said "you wanna start?"

"no, you start" she said, and looked at the box, pointing me to open it and start the game.

i opened the box and closed my eyes, then i put my hand inside of it and felt the different creased papers on my skin. i took the one nearest to my finger.

i took the paper out and read it carefully, cursing myself for putting that question inside the box.

"read it out loud!" she said

i sighed and breathed deeply " whats the worst thing that could happen to you?"

"so…..?" she asked, probably intrigued, with a smile in her face.

"the worst thing would be….umm…. maybe be left alone in an island or something…" I said stupidly, not wanting to reveal the truth.

She looked at me attonished "you're lying" she just said

"what?"

"you're lying. I know when you're lying. Tell me the truth." She said

" im not lying. Ive never had really deep thoughts…"

"don't you dare lie to me, Miles, by saying you're not lying"

There was a silence, we both stayed looking at each other, she with a smile.

"OKAY…UMM..THE WORST, thing that could happen, ummmm, the thing that would break my heart the most,, umm would be.." I started saying "seeing you lie to me everyday again. Knowing you're not okay" I finished quickly.

"she raised her head and looked at me while I looked down embarrassed.

"that's umm-" she started to say

"no. you cant. Remember: no comments about what the other said"

"okay" she said and just smiled at me. The most beautiful smile I had ever seen.


	13. Chapter 13

it was her turn next. She looked at me with a smile before closing her eyes and inserting her hand in the box. Her hand stayed in the shoe box for some seconds and then, she took a little piece of wrapped paper and opened her eyes.

"Your ultimate wish is?" she read out loud

"SO...? answer"

"my ultimate wish?" she said "that's easy. My ultimate wish is finding someone who genuinly loves me, and getting married, and having children. And being happy"

My eyes filled up with tears of happiness. She WANTED to be happy. She wanted to be able to trust. She wanted someone who loved her. And i was going to be that person. i wanted to tell her she was going to have that. She was going to be happy. but i couldnt. 'no comments about what the other says'

"OKAY. ill go" i said, as i placed my hand in the box and took one of the papers in in randomly. then, i took a long breath and read "What's the worst lie you've ever said?"

SHE LOOKED AT ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

"The worst lie i ever said was one i didnt know it was a lie at the time.."

"And what's that?" she asked

"two weeks ago i told the Colonel i felt i knew everything about you" SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH SURPRISE AND THEN SHOOK HER HEAD SHOWING SHE COULDNT COMMENT ON WHAT I SAID. but i saw her eyes fill up with tears. of hapiness, i hoped.

she put her hand in the box and took one of the papers.

"if you could chose your last words, what would them be?" i lovesd that one. it reflected my love for people's last words.

i looked at her, actually intrigued.

" my last words would be... I LOVE YOU, MILES" She said and then leaned forward as i kissed her.

"I LOVE YOU TOO, Alaska. And i want you to know ill always be here for you."

"Always?" she said

"aLWAYS" i answered and kissed her again.


End file.
